All The Way Down

I felt the life leave his body
I felt his last breath
Saw the last twitch of the eye

Broke the ribs
All the way down
“PUSH HARDER”

So many days now
I’ve looked for you
So many days now

“PUSH HARDER”
Didn’t think I’d feel so sad
Don’t know what’s left to say

“GOOD COMPRESSION”
Skin tearing under my palm
Shaking off the rust of it all

As I said,
“There is a whole universe in each one of us”
(I thought of how globally unlikely)

“And when we die”
(How globally unlikely to have)
(Crossed your path)

“It just disappears”
“And I think to myself… what a… what a fucking way…”
(Amid the protests of my ferments)

“PUSH HARDER”
(I just really wished you were here)
“STOP COMPRESSIONS”

I didn’t know how bad until you weren’t

“STEP AWAY FROM THE PATIENT”
Goodbye, goodbye
Universe extinguished, unobserved

“SHOCK NOT ADVISED”
Listless as ever
Aimless amidst absurdity

“RESUME COMPRESSIONS”
When you first showed yourself to me
I didn’t know it meant so much

When I die, I wonder if it will hurt
Knowing all the last times were
The very last time

Now, in never knowing for sure,
Sat across the table,
Nearing the end of our scripts,

Should I send another text?
“The FUCK is EMS?”
He could have died at home

“He could have died at home”
Surrounded by strangers beating you
Senseless; perhaps

The task is to accept the horrific death,
The unexpected and botched and
Violent, and

Expect it botched and violent and
Surrounded by strangers, because
We didn’t live for the perfect death

Existing not to create meaning, but to,
Quite literally,
Be meaning

“PUSH HARDER”
Purposelessness to untapped will
Accepting purpose

“PUSH HARDER”
Always love, Always
No time for anything else

No time but to feel and to be
Right here, with
Leadened feet, witnessing

World canvass by torchlight
Shadows dancing like galaxies, with
Heaving, invigorated breath-

“SHOCK NOT ADVISED”